September 2, 2006

White Noise

The other day BBC put link to Olympic National Park in his daily blog. I went to the Park's website and looked at the beautiful pictures, the mountains, rocky shorelines, thick woods and people hiking. I just want to start over somewhere like that and make a living exploring places like Olympic National Park, The European Alps, the whole country of New Zealand, the list goes on and on. So I've been sitting and daydreaming about being able to do that while I'm stuck in a place where people don't even say "Hi" to each other, the temperatures are only tolerable in the winter, the nearest place to go hiking is hours away and devoid of wildlife, and people think your wierd becuase you don't want to work all day, everyday.

Why do I stay here? It's not my home, but I never really had a place to call home. Born in Germany and promptly left before I was six months, then spent my life as a military brat moving every couple of years or being sent halfway across the world to leave with one or the other of my divorced parents, and their destructive families. Then joined the military and was moving about every three or four years. Now I'm out of the military, but as soon as I've been in a place for more than 3 years, I get restless. I always loved New Mexico, and I had a chance to make it my permanent home about six years ago, but I left NM to chase a dream. The dream turned into a nightmare that caused me mental damage. Now I look at pictures of the places I love, and I'm not able to focus on work or writing. I just need to go and start living again, and that is scaring me. What will happen? Wonderful things will happen, but I need to take that first step instead of just running around in circles. That first step is scaring the hell out of me.

The other day azgoddess wrote in her blog "i woke up this morning with a feeling of peace". I envy her. I hope you have lots of peaceful days in your life. I have those days, but I also have days where everything, even the things I like, and friendly people, everything, irrates me. I can't even listen to my favorite music, everything just annoys me. Then I have those days where everything is right with the world, nothing bothers me and I feel peaceful. Those days are great. I wish I knew how to wake up like that everyday. Is it something I ate? Was it the wonderful dream? All my dreams are great, and I do have a lot. I'd like to know the reason why I sometimes wake up at war with the world and sometimes "i woke up this morning with a feeling of peace". I want the peace everyday.

Reading all these blogs is causing a lot of the voices in my head to become active again. I have been turned on to some new blogs from my commentors, and I'm greatful to them. I'm finding a whole new crowd of "kindred spirits". But I think some new voices have moved in to my head and its causing a lot of noise recently. When I say I'm having trouble collecting my thoughts, it is because I have so many voices to sort out. "write about this today", "No, write about this other thing", " that sounded stupid", and on and on and on. I try to sort it out and I can't focus on a single idea, and I can't write about a hundred different ideas at once. So, you just get me like this, just rambling hoping some of the noise in my head will clear and I can direct my energy more positively.

You all have a great Saturday, I wish you Peace. I got to run, my shoes are calling my name.

1 comment:

Minou said...

If you listen to everyone they all have something to say which may resonate with you and then cause you much confusion!

The thing to do is listen to yourself, take each day as it comes, notice things that are happening in your life. Remember the answer is often in the questions you ask yourself.

As BBC says you are a god evolving and that takes whatever it has to take.

I have had a complete change of direction and it takes time to adjust. It's easy to dismiss the good things that have happened to you on the way and feel that nothing is going to be good again, but that is a false perception.

We've all made mistakes!! Like a dieter who binges one day, doesn't mean he/she shouldn't continue with the diet afterwards.

Anyway, listen to your heart, that's the only thing that makes sense, hell don't even listen to me!! What do I know ;-}